he’s a contendas

Watty has acquired the ability to wink and click his tongue. it’s quite a smooth move for a four year old. future lady killer.

it’s all about butts, scooby doo and poop around here

oh and how much he loves me and how he’ll never forget me and how he’ll always save me. after that, i can live with a lifetime of poop jokes.

27 days of yoga

sun salutations. meditating. mantras. that’s some good shit. i’m gonna mainline some fucking om.

the daily change, february 10th

(let me preempt this by saying i feel so lame writing about all this positive change, yet since i’ve started the exercise of trying to control myself, it’s resulted in well… change… physical and emotional change. thus i don’t have much witty, sarcastic musings to document. feel free to throw up, now.)

it’s been almost a month since THE CHANGE, or attempt at change. it seems and feels (gag) that i’m more pleasant to be around, less judgmental, slower to react, more patient, almost stress free, less anxious, happier and more content (and i have gotten outside confirmation on this). not that i was a monster before but i was battling some serious stress and anxiety issues that made it hard to be around me at times. i was out of balance to say the least. but i’ve got to wonder… are things just going so well to the point of me not having a reason to get upset or stressed out? or have i really changed? has taking the stance of “i am the only thing i can control for fuck’s sake let it go already” really all i needed to do? either way, it’s working.

i did have one very dramatic loss of temper yesterday, it being the first day of my lady cycle and all…Watty decided he was gonna give me hell trying to get him dressed. i was firm but i didn’t lose it until he asked me to carry him to the car, wherein i pulled my back, dropped my water and yelled “FUCK!”"…  but he did get in his car seat with an obedient quickness. i apologized for the yelling and he sweetly responded with “it’s ok mom. just say ‘oh god’ or ‘jeeze louise’ next time”.

you’re right kiddo, i’ll add that to my daily affirmation.

revised daily affirmation: oh god i am the only thing i can control for fuck’s sake let it go already jeeze louise.

daily change, january 14th

today. i will change.

8:ooam: ran 1.88 miles
time: 28 minutes (whoa…. slow)
calories burned: 200
outlook: positive
stress: dwindling
preoccupation: preparing for Watty’s party
goals: reduce stress / enjoy the day / enjoy the preparation / enjoy time alone / enjoy time with amber. relax.

i am worn out from being ruled by emotions and stress. i have to let go. i want to feel well and healthy, not worried and sick. i can change. i want to be kind. i want to let go of my anger and my constant need to control everything. i want to remember i can only control myself.

i want to live in the moment and enjoy the wild little world of my son and not constantly try to shape it into something else. i have to stop and breathe him in as he is changing and i will miss it.

i want to enjoy my time with others and be peaceful in their absence.

i want peace.

everyday is a new day and every moment is chance for me to be the person i want to be. all that is stopping me, is myself.

so… here i go.

thanks, new york

4:00 am house departure. layover. propeller plane. mouthy cabbie. hiya, baby! delicious smells. entanglement. japanese whiskey. genever. port. charcuterie. catching up. lending a hand. company arrival. cooking away. dinner complete. knuckle shaved. one fell off and landed under the bed. thanksamazing dinner. korean sweet potatoes! doctoring. spearmint alcohol. cleaning up. so long, friends. hello, lover. delicious rehash. laying low ’til nightfall. leaving to launder. best turkey sandwiches ever. food adventure. lamb burger. beer, beer, beer and biscuits. Sean & En. cumin burps. fried octopus balls. szechuan peppers. yokocho and angel share. black sesame ice cream. williamsburg crif’s. walk to the pier. oysters and whiskey. daddy long legs. brian greene. grilled cheese with pickles. fried egg sandwich. fao schwarz. central park. turkey soup. goodbye, my darling.

a few of my favorite sounds

Watty laughing in his sleep.

The rustling of the sheets when you roll over and put your arms around me.

The sincere pauses in your silly rants.

Bruno’s (and every other animal and most human impressions) as performed by Amber.

My baby’s Texas twang.

Werner Herzog saying anything.

The sound of a man’s hand rubbing his stubble while answering questions on a radio interview. (Specifically, Tom Waits)